Setting the Table
Who has a seat at your table?
I have often heard it said that we become like the people we spend the most time with. The people around us have a way of shaping our thinking, influencing our decisions, challenging our beliefs, and sometimes even expanding—or limiting—what we believe is possible.
One of my favorite examples of this has been the people I have met through the John Maxwell organization. I have had the privilege of sitting at the table with some amazing people who are doing amazing things for others. Being around people who are committed to growth, leadership, service, and making a difference has challenged me to think differently about my own potential.
When I think about the people who have influenced my life, I picture a long table filled with people from different seasons of my life.
My parents and grandparents helped establish my foundation. Teachers, coaches, and mentors challenged me to grow. My wife has been one of my greatest encouragers. Each person has had a seat at my table, and each has left something with me.
We don't become who we are by ourselves.
The people we allow close to us help shape who we become.
The People Who Built Our Foundation
We all have people who have influenced us, encouraged us, challenged us, and even discouraged us.
Much of who we are today was shaped long before we fully understood the influence others were having on us. Our work ethic, values, confidence, beliefs, and attitudes were often influenced by people who invested in us before we were old enough to recognize what they were doing.
I have been blessed with parents and grandparents who built a foundation of love, hard work, and character. Teachers, coaches, and other adults added to that foundation throughout my childhood and young adulthood.
Not everyone who influences us gives us a specific piece of advice.
Sometimes, we simply watch how someone lives.
We see their integrity. Their perseverance. Their work ethic. Their kindness. Their willingness to serve others.
And without realizing it, we begin carrying those qualities with us.
My family has been one of the greatest examples of this in my life. Their influence has helped shape me into someone better than I could have imagined becoming on my own.
The People Who Believe in Us
Encouragement isn't always loud or dramatic.
Sometimes it is simply the person who says, “You can do this,” when we're questioning ourselves.
My wife has been a rockstar when it comes to encouragement. She knows me well. She knows my strengths, recognizes my potential, and encourages me to keep moving forward when I might otherwise be tempted to stop.
That kind of relationship is powerful.
In my coaching practice, identifying these people is an important part of helping clients move forward. Many times, we need someone who can see potential in us that we aren't able to see in ourselves.
Early coaches and mentors often play that role.
I've had several wrestling coaches who made a tremendous impact on my life. They didn't simply teach me how to wrestle. They taught me about discipline, perseverance, toughness, accountability, and what it means to keep going when things get difficult.
A good coach or mentor doesn't simply point out what you're doing wrong.
They help you recognize what you're capable of becoming.
Not Everyone Gets a Seat
Here's the difficult part.
Not everyone deserves a seat at our table.
Some people consistently discourage us. Some criticize our goals. Some feed our fears. Some convince us to settle for less than we're capable of becoming.
That doesn't necessarily mean they are bad people.
It may simply mean that their influence isn't healthy for where we're trying to go.
One of the most important questions we can ask ourselves is:
Who is influencing the person I am becoming?
We need people who challenge us, not just people who agree with us.
The right people don't always tell us what we want to hear. Sometimes they ask difficult questions. Sometimes they hold us accountable. Sometimes they challenge our assumptions. Sometimes they remind us that we're capable of more.
Encouragement without accountability can keep us comfortable.
The right relationships help us grow.
And as we discussed last week in Expense Report, comfort can sometimes cost us more than we're willing to admit.
So, take a look around your table and ask yourself:
Who is sitting at my table?
Who encourages me?
Who challenges me?
Who believes in me?
Who consistently pulls me backward?
Whose table am I sitting at?
What kind of influence am I having on the people around me?
Those questions aren't always easy to answer.
But they're important.
Because we don't become our best selves alone.
Along the way, we need people who believe in us, challenge us, encourage us, hold us accountable, and occasionally tell us what we don't want to hear.
We also have to be honest enough to recognize when someone's influence is keeping us from becoming the person we want to be.
So, take a look around your table.
Who is sitting there?
Who helped shape the person you are today?
Who is helping you become the person you want to be tomorrow?
And then ask yourself one more question:
What kind of influence are you having on the people sitting at your table?
Because eventually, the roles change.
Someone who once needed a seat at the table may eventually be the person offering one.
Someone encouraged you.
Someone once believed in you.
Someone once saw potential in you when you couldn't see it yourself.
Now, perhaps, it's your turn.
One of the greatest gifts we can give another person is a seat at our table, a place where they feel valued, challenged, encouraged, and believed in. A place where someone can begin to see that they are capable of becoming more than they currently believe.
We all need people around us who help us become better.
And eventually, we have the opportunity to become that person for someone else.
Someone pulled up a chair for you.
Perhaps now it's your turn to pull up a chair for someone else.
~Steve Bucks
